Ok, so in the post from early this morning, I mentioned about the guy still being there even though she left right.
That annoyance has skyrocketed to pissed off proportions. I basically called her a little later...
Me: Hey, are you still at home? I thought I could hear the tv.
Her: Oh, I might have left the tv on. I've closed the dogs in there... (which she's never done before because she's afraid the dogs will poop all over her floor)
Me: Oh, is the guy still there too?
Her: Oh no, he left this morning when I left...
Then...
Me: Yeah, I just wanted to make sure that we were still on the same page in terms of overnight visitors/staying overnight etc. If you're still ok with that...
Her (reluctantly): Yeah...uh huh...
OH you should have seen my face! Now unless I'm totally stupid, I'm almost positive it's still his car parked outside my window (and yes, I checked when I left finally...the plates were from *so and so* state which she told me he had moved from). This car has been parked there 3 consecutive nights and I know he's been there the 2 nights previous...and you know how you know your neighbor's cars or the people that come visit other neighbors...So YEAH!
And yes I heard the tv, but I also could have sworn I heard someone moving as well. But I'm not going to knock on her door and find out...I've NEVER MET HIM! There's basically a total stranger at home WITH ME! AND she did not have the COURTESY to tell me that he was here...AND LIED about it! (I'm not 100% sure that he was since I didn't knock, but 95%...)
If she had been truthful about it, that's one thing...but to lie! So we exchange a few texts since I wanted to make sure she wasn't offended by me asking her about the visitors thing...and to see if we're on the same page. She wrote back and said, oh we should be able to work things out...
So basically I ask if she's going to be home in the evening, and implied that we should talk tonight...since I also said that yea, I'm pretty sure we can work things out. Exchange a few "friendly" texts...
So now tonight when I talk about it, it's not like I can bring up the fact that she LIED to me or anything...so here's hoping that I can find the best...semi-nonconfrontational way to discuss this with her.
Any advice or tips! PLEASE!
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13 comments:
OK first of all it's not cool that she left the boyfriend there without talking to you. She should have at least said "Hey Joe is from California. He doesn't really have anyplace to go and doesn't know anyone. Can he chill here for 3-4 days?" I've had roommates who wanted to have friends sleep over and I had to tell them no unless we had talked about it before. Telling me 5 minutes before they plan to go to bed is not cool. For one thing I like to be around the house in comfortable clothes and having men in my home means I need to be more formal. Our rule is that boyfriends/girlfriends can stay overnight with PRIOR permission. But they would NOT be allowed to stay longer than previously agreed upon. And I'm sorry, but I would have to meet anyone staying in my home... That's just a safety issue and an issue of being sure your belongings are safe as well. My husband and I bought our house a year and a half ago, and we've had 3 roommates. Luckily we haven't had to deal with the sleepover thing yet.
I would hang around to see if he comes out of the room... And then call her on it. There is no reason to trust someone who lies to you, to live with you.
As to how to "confront" her...
I would simply go over the rules again.
"Jane, we agree that boyfriends can stay over for 1-2 nights at a time, right?"
Then explain your position.
"It makes me uncomfortable to have men I don't know in the house for more than a day or so. I feel like I can't enjoy my own house. Also, I feel uncomfortable leaving someone I don't know here while neither of us are here."
Then clarify that you are on the same page.
"Can you understand how I feel? Do you agree that NEITHER of us should have a boyfriend here for longer than 1-2 nights, and that he should leave when his girlfriend leaves, unless we've agreed otherwise?"
If this isn't in your roommate agreement already... I would draw it up again. And if she keeps ignoring it... Then perhaps you need to get a new roommate. There is no way to know what could happen with a strange person in your house. He could rob you. He could rape you. He could kill you. And this is especially true if she picks up men she doesn't know, either. Your safety comes first. No judge would penalize you for wanting to keep yourself safe... At least no REASONABLE judge would! As long as you have the rules in writing, you are legally covered.
man.... that is so annoying! i don't know whether im the best person to give you advice right now because to be honest with you, i feel like killing this one person.
there i've said it.
sorry :S
I'm not sure how to talk to her without being confrontational, but I know how I think you should handle it if it happens again.
Call and ask if he's still there.
When she lies and says he already left, say "Oh God..." and hang up.
Then call the police and report someone being in your house.
She'll probably not make that mistake again...
@Janette
Thank you so much for your helpful info. I tried some of your advice...hopefully something got across to her. I will update with a new post hopefully later today.
@ejannz
Yep, totally. Oh noes! Don't become a murderer, it's not worth it! Actually I thought I was going to be murdered. :P
@Miss Mercedes
LOL, that's a great answer! I love it. Too bad that I think she'd probably throw me out as a result...she's gotten into physical alterations before...and she is bigger than me...
Moonjava,
You're welcome:) I sure hope it helps:) Of course, if it had been me I don't think I would have actually done that. I tend to yell first and groan about what I "should have done" later lol. But, you know... Keep It Simple Stupid always seems to work. And that's fairly non-confrontational. I'll be looking for the updates:)
Janettee
She should have mentioned it to you first. And to lie about it... that's a no no. How did that talk with her go? I hope you guys resolve that problem, =)
Yikes.
I completely understand why your frustrated.
When I was in school my roommate did a few things like that as well.
We lived in an all female dorm where we couldn't have males inside the halls/rooms at all - and I walked into my room to see my Roommate had snuck hers in. We shared a room. It sucked.
Then when I was watching two little ones over night, and I had a mattress on the floor. My Roommate was supposed to stay out for the night with her friends. She comes in drunk at 3:30am - the Hall light hits the little ones square in the eye and upsets them. She is knocking into things, and laughing with her friend. I had never been so upset at her.
It's just one of those things. Communication is a must - we didn't communicate well and the whole semester was miserable.
Wow. Just...wow.
I have been living by myself for a while, and just yesterday was considering finding a place with roommates again. I thought it could be fun to have the companionship, meet new people, etc.
I have had similar situations as you in the past, and it's pretty miserable. Feeling like you have to be confined to your room at a home you pay a significant part of your income towards is enough to drive you nuts.
Definitely need to talk to her in person, and I would suggest telling her that you suspect that he was still there after she left. This is the kind of thing that can/will escalate.
Good luck.
@Janettee
Hoping it works...I hear her downstairs, the question is whether or not she'll follow through on letting me know that he's coming over...although theoretically he's already been over here 3 nights since Friday night...In some ways, I just want the guy to ditch her...seriously she's not relationship material anyways...
@ChinkyGirlMel
No clue if this is resolved. We'll see...
@Liv
Oh that's annoying. One of my roommates was the best roommate I've ever had, we just jived on everything and we think a lot alike. We were roommates for 3 years. I told her on the phone that statement, and she's like "Yeah, I miss you as a roommate too"
@Martin
It is miserable at the moment. I just don't know where you can be so disrespectful especially when it's not like I told her my stipulations after I moved in. I had asked if she was ok with that before I even thought of agreeing to move in. I can't talk about the guy being there...because she's already outright denied it...and lied about it...TWICE! :P
That's just outright disrespectful of your roommate to just flat out lie to you and what not, and to leave a guy at the house without letting you know prior. You should tell her these things. But also remember, that she pays half the rent, and you don't want to make for an awkward living situation/bad friends, so I guess my suggestion would be to just sit down and talk it out with her- not over the phone, but face to face and come to some sort of compromise, and set some ground rules that both of you can deal with- like the guy shouldn't be around if she leaves the house, because that's the only way to live with each other without wnting to strangle each other.
Shrugs.
I'm sorry about your living situation.
Alternatively, you can just find another roommate.
Thats so inconsiderate of her!
@Cheryl
Yeah, but what can I really do with a month to month lease...and the real lease under her name. I actually don't even know how much she's paying for her rent. She's charging me $500 which was reasonable since I had estimates from other places as well. I'm trying to graduate, so I'm going to hope that this situation doesn't last long...and maybe once I'm done, if I still have to work on manuscripts, that I can work from home.
@Andhari
Yep...I just wonder why she can't give me the same courtesy that I give her.
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